LIfe

It's funny how life takes over. I haven't written anything in quite awhile. I started to write directly after Christmas but couldn't figure out how to log in from my new Kindle, so I gave up. I am seriously challenged right now. I lack motivation and enthusiasm. I have been questioning my decision making abilities at my job, in my home, well in my life in general. Maybe I'm depressed? I'm not particularly sad but definitely in a funk. I was recently re-telling a previous "funk" in my life and it was pretty much at the exact time of year. Hmmm-maybe I'm on to something. The previous "funk"  I am speaking of is the first one that I really remember. I was 19. Oh if I could have a do over, the things I would change. REGRET. It's a concept I cling to. I shouldn't, I know. BUT how do you not regret?

NO regret in these pictures.

regret (n)- sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one's control or power to repair (Merriam-Webster Free Dictionary)
regret- is a negative conscious and emotional reaction to personal past acts and behaviours (Wikipedia)

Maybe I just need some Summer

I guess the true definition is in there somewhere. The part that strikes me the most is "a negative conscious" part of the second definition. It's probably not worth the brain power I am wasting. Anyway, maybe its the weather or my hormone challenged body causing this funk. I am in the- lay in bed with a book and cup of tea mood-not a good one, mood I mean. I probably should not have watched Jane Eyre. That is going to be my excuse. It has been my favorite book forever though.  I fell in love with it in high school. Curse you Bronte. It is such a depressing story and not a novel idea. Watching the movie I realized I didn't really even remember the story that well. It must be approaching 20 years since I read it last.  I just pulled my copy off of the shelf. It was given to me by my two favorite teachers in high school at Tome.  I received it as the Upper School Literature award in June 1992. The inscription reads "With appreciation and respect!" and is signed by the teachers. I can't recall opening the book is recent history. The inscription made me smile, which feels nice.

Mixed feelings

Hello all you folks out there. It has been awhile since I have posted anything. Of course a ton of stuff has happened. We inherited a new dog, her name is Doughnut. She is adorable and very well behaved thanks to my sister Zoe. Poor Zoe. She was heartbroken about giving up the dog, but for the well being of her marriage she gave her to us. Chad is in love and so is Doughnut. It is actually very sweet. He calls her sweetheart and snuggle her. I find this remarkable since he never really was an "animal" person. We now have a cat and a dog, both girls. He is becoming more and more outnumbered. Ha!

Today is Halloween. I have never been a fan. I was raised believing that it was the devil's holiday. I don't believe that but still not my favorite. As a child we only dressed up once that I remember and it was for some parade. We were gypsies. I think it may have had something to do with being in Brownies and Girl Scouts. I will have to ask Sunshine, she might remember. I do like to carve pumpkins. I never carved one as a kid, but I am pretty good at it as an adult. Halloween still has a bad connotation. I think this is in my head. I've created this feeling for myself related to a very traumatic event in my life. Sometimes I think I enjoy linking this trauma to events, like Halloween. I know I'm being vague. Someday maybe I will write about it and link all of the events to the trauma-who knows. It's one of those "magical thinking" things. Has anyone read that book? The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. It is a very interesting book. It talks about "magical thinking", you know when you create cause and effect relationships in your head that aren't actually based in reality. I think it is a female thing. Anyway I think I have a copy somewhere. Maybe I should re-visit it.


On a happier note, my beloved brother Gideon was home this weekend.  It was so nice to have him close by even if it was for just a few days. I miss him horribly. We had a great weekend that included me not working(yippee!), celebrating my brother's birthday, getting my hair done, a family wedding, sleeping in a tiny bit, hanging with my family and lots of eating. I need to plan a trip to California at some point soon to see Webster West.


It has been a busy few weeks and I know as the daylight hours grow shorter this year races to a close. Why does time move so fast? I never believed my parents when they said these things but boy is it true.

My old man

So this has been a rough week. I put my dog to sleep. His name was Hawthorne and he was 16 1/2 years old. I know these things are never easy having worked in veterinary medicine for many years, but I truly wanted him to just go in his sleep. I received him as a gift from my husband before we were married. He has been with me through my entire marriage up until this point. It seems corny but I feel like another safe thing in my life is gone. Somehow Hawthorne and my marriage are linked. He was a good dog. I never had to worry about him interacting with kids or other animals. I never worried about him running off. He was loyal, happy to just lie at my feet or follow me around. A true friend. Animals really do become part of our lives. When we came back from the vet's office my heart sank when I realized he wouldn't be waiting for me.

Disney

Hello. I am writing from Disney's Hillywood Studio. I am sitting on a bench enjoying a frosty beverage. So far our trip has been great. Chad and I just rode the Aerosmith rollercoaster and are now heading to find our kids.

Stress-part two

So, I am no longer crying. I forgot to add before that I made two pies. One peach crumble and one apple crumble-YUM. Can't wait to eat them. Then I drove like a bat out of hell to pick my kids up from school. No problem, on time. We then went to Walmart to torture ourselves. It actually wasn't that bad. Mission accomplished. Birthday card, birthday gift, swimmie diapers, cookies, white cheddar cheez its for Tom, kitty food, puppy pads for gross dog, paper towels  to clean up after gross dog, basic essentials when planning a week long trip to DISNEY!!  Ran into the liquor store for libations. Then we came home and started cleaning, kitchen, bathroom, vacuuming, general straightening. Made dinner requested by the birthday boy. Dinner is finished, treats are finished, presents are wrapped and now we are just waiting on the birthday boy. I am definitely feeling better. Now I just have to pack my stuff and help Sierra organize the food and fun for their roadtrip, oh and work a 12 hour shift tomorrow. No biggie. One thing I know is true- I won't be sleeping tonight. Seriously time for a script of Ambien.

Stress

Hello friends. I am feeling less stressed today. That might be a lie, maybe my impending happiness is making me feel less stressed. I am working under pressure and that is just what I need. I feel more satisfied if I accomplish a load of stuff in a short amount of time. I slept like crap and woke up way before my alarm and immediately started my day. I wrote a resume that I couldn't print out. Then I re-wrote an old resume. I then woke my children and fed them and packed lunches and sent them out the door. Next task was myself. "make yourself look professional"-done. Black formal capris, pressed white shirt, hair neat, make up on, appropriate jewelry and nice shoes. By this point I am feeling hideous. Cramps, bloating, indigestion, nausea-nothing a cup of coffee and two tums won't fix. I then headed back to the computer to print the resume and re-google specific medical condition(not to be named here). I then head to the ED to brush up on my "standards of care" and grill every person I see on aforementioned standards. I then give my deposition.(not to be discussed here). Feeling slightly better, I head to my Mom's house. Of course she is not there. I kick off my shoes and decide I won't cry. I looked around and took alot of deep cleansing breaths and thanked God for my good fortune.  It's about 10:45. My Mom comes home and we go over IV insertion technique. Its kind of weird to do that with your Mom but whatever, my family is weird. Then- here comes the happiness- I helped her book my brother's plane ticket home. Do most people find such unadulterated joy in spending time with their siblings? I don't know. I think I may love my siblings disproportionately. It's true actually. We won't all be together. Missing one. Caitlin. Now I am crying typing this post. I never thought there would be a time when we weren't all together. I cried last night too when Aselyn was hunting high and low for Cait's cd. They listen to it every night when they go to sleep. I am a weiner. Tears are rolling down my cheeks. I have a ton of other stuff to type but I have to go and pick up the kids. I will get it together and post more later.